Last week on The Tonight Show, Conan O’Brien took a classic jab at the city of Newark, New Jersey. It was actually hilarious: “The Mayor of Newark, New Jersey wants to set up a citywide program to improve residents’ health. The health-care program would consist of a bus ticket out of Newark.” *ZING!*
Now, Newark Mayor Cory Booker has posted a video on YouTube to personally deliver his reaction to O’Brien:
Pop star Britney Spears was spotted leaving the office of a well known Los Angeles based hypnotherapist today. Naturally, employees of the popular doctor are bound to total secrecy however, the office has recently “downsized” leaving Celebrity Fat with some new, well informed contacts.
According to our inside source, Britney’s big personal epiphany which has triggered her recent “era of clarity” was that she was abducted by aliens during her childhood in Kentwood, Louisiana. Britney’s hypnotherapist further concluded that the suicide of her paternal grandmother in 1966 could have been related to a familial connection with the nether-beings. He also speculated that the behavior of Britney’s uncles – years of homelessness and criminal records, may have been the result of the “emotional impact of the alien/Spears family connection.” The good doctor elaborated that “it’s very likely that the aliens have been abducting and experimenting on members of the Spears family for generations.” When questioned about the “diagnosis” the doctor replied with “She’s a good girl and this is personal business that the press should stay out of.” He then put on his X-ray goggles, got in his flying car and flew away.
Celebrity Fat’s new forementioned contacts have plenty of other subconscious tid-bits from well known patient’s files and we must admit, we’re pretty excited about it. Stay tuned for more strange insights and revelations.
A Pensacola, Florida woman reported that Angelina Jolie’s face appeared in slice of toast on Sunday morning. Meridith Marksburrough was making breakfast for herself and her husband when the image appeared. According to Marksburrough she was “yellin’ at my deadbeat husband to get his ass outta bed when the toaster started smokin’. I fidgeted with the popper-upper thingy and that broke so I unplugged it and threw it on the floor. I been tellin’ Frank we need to get to the Wal-Mart and get a new one but does he listen? Nooooo! “ It was when the toaster hit the floor that the Angelina Jolie toast popped out. Marksburrough said it’s as if her “prayers have been answered” even though she’s “not that big of a fan.” By noon Sunday word had spread and a line of approximately 250 curious onlookers had formed outside the Marksburrough’s mobile home. The Marksburroughs are charging one dollar to view the slice of toast and are making big plans for the future. Meridith Marksburrough hopes to “maybe take the toast on tour or if we don’t do that we’ll probably sell it on eBay.”
An unscientific poll taken in the kitchen at a party friday night found that two-thirds of Americans no longer find Will Ferrell funny. The informal poll found that eighty percent of participants thought Ferrell’s performance in Anchorman was “pretty f*%#ing funny, especially when you’re stoned” but almost everyone agreed that his brand of nostalgic comedy has grown tired. Fifty percent of the participants even bothered with the unwatchable Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and only 10% were aware of Ferrell’s performances in the forgettable Blades of Glory and Semi-Pro. One participant noted that the unrated version of Anchorman wasn’t that much better than the theater version and then shouted “you’re a dirty pirate hooker” before shotgunning a beer.
This just in – Sean William Scott & Jessica Simpson conceived a bastard lust child during the production of Dukes of Hazard back in 2005. Apparently Tony Romo is not the first football handlin’ man that Jessica has gravitated toward. Here’s what our sources overheard Stifler himself saying to a well known Hip Hop DJ about the matter:
“DJ Whoo Kid: I heard you had beef with Nick Lachey, man.
Stifler: Oh, ’cause I f&*^% Jessica Simpson?
DJ Whoo Kid: Oh Snap! Yeah riiight.
Stifler: No, but I did! And I knocked her up too. She had to get it taken care of and everything.”
I guess that’s what happens when reality TV has already ruined your marriage to an ex boy band star but you haven’t had the heart to divorce him yet – and you’re on the set of a movie with some hot guys who are actually fun to be around. Better not tell daddy. He might get jealous and make everybody really uncomfortable by publicly talking about your breasts again.